The best place to put your money in Vegas is in your pocket. The next best place is on the no pass line on the craps table. The third best place is to just randomly throw it into the street. I wish I could have told the following patron these things. Actually, wait, I wish I could have told the following patron to go back to Vegas and stay. Forever. But I couldn’t, so I didn’t, but I wish I had. And said a few other choice sentences and phrases to boot.
Patron: Is this the information desk?
Me: Yes, how can I help you?
Patron: Well I haven’t asked a question yet.
Me: (oh boy . . . ) OK, well, how can I help you?
Patron: Is this where you get information?
Me: (No, this is the place where you come to annoy people, apparently.) Yes.
Patron: Well, tell me my phone number.
Me: OK, well, can I have you name please?
Patron: Even if I gave you my phone number you couldn’t tell me because it is unlisted.
Me: (oh really? really? I don’t have your phone number? Ha Ha Ha! You silly patron! You silly silly patron!) <Blank Stare> OK.
Patron: Can you tell me if this card is any good?
Me: (I love this question. I love it so much I’m going to make another post about it.) Sure. Your card has expired but I can renew it for you, can I see your photo ID?
Patron: (handing me the ID) Does this look like me?
Me: (OH goodness, why didn’t I just pretend my meeting didn’t end? I could be at home right now doing laundry, cleaning the floors, scrubbing the toilet, changing the paper in the bottom of a puppies’ cage that I don’t have, any of which would be infinitely better than dealing with you!) Yes. Is this your current address?
Me: <updating card> <with gleeful smile> Is your phone number still 555-555-5555?
Patron: Yes. How is that in there? I’m surprised it’s in there.
Me: (HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! You silly patron! You silly silly patron! I am an all-powerful librarian! I have your phone number! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) Your card is updated for another year. Can I help you with something else?
Patron: You’re not going to call me, are you?
Me: <Blank Stare> No. (definitely not.)
Patron: I was looking for a book on poker.
Patron: I was in the 900s, because I learned a long time ago, a time I’m not going to tell you (thank goodness for that!) that the numbers correspond to subjects. But you don’t have anything.
Me: OK, let me see. We have a few books in 795.41. (Ha! You silly silly patron! Oh, I really want to keep helping you now. You are sooooo smart! Looking for poker books in the 900s, trying me about your phone number, teasing me about calling you. Give me a reason to evict you. Give me just one. Just one! It would give me such great pleasure to evict you.)
Patron: Well, actually, I need books on craps by Frank (blah blah blah unintelligible un-intelligible)
Me: OK, <looking up books> we do not have those titles, but I can look for something else for you.
Patron: Well, can I buy that book? I should have bought it in Vegas when I was there. I want to learn how to play and win at craps because it is the best way to make money. Slots are fixed. Blackjack takes your money before you even see your hand. Craps is the best place to put your money in Vegas.
Me: (A. You should have stayed in Vegas. B. The best place to put your money in Vegas is in your pocket. C. The “best” place to try and win in Vegas is on the no pass line in craps.) OK. You can go to Amazon.com and order it.
Patron: I’ll have my son do it. He buys books (not listening, not caring) and can buy this for me.
Me: (Thank goodness! Please! Go home and have your son do it.) OK.
Patron: You know what else you can do for me?
Me: (Nothing? Oh, please please pretty please say nothing.) Yes?
Patron: You can install a door closer to the handicapped parking spaces. If you are going to have handicapped parking spaces, you need a door for them.
Me: (Seriously?! Seriously?! I mean, seriously?!) OK, I’ll let my branch manager know.
Patron: Well, I might as well talk to the wall then (proceeds to bend over and talk to a book truck and repeats statement about handicapped door).
Me: <Blank Stare>
Patron: OK, well, you have a good day.
Me: <Blank Stare> (I hope to have a good day now that you’re leaving.)